Friday, September 3, 2010

Vorthos Train Wreck #1 Mirari Saga (and Mirrodin)

For every Vorthos out there. Magic the Gathering stories abridged.

What is a Vorthos you may ask? I decided to quote Matt Cavotta himself:
"Vorthos (His name is actually John, but since there's already a “Johnny” in the mix, he opted to go with the name of his 16th level half-elven ranger/warmage.) is the guy who never puts more than one of any legend card in his deck because “it just wouldn't be right.” He's the guy who will only play with the Icy Manipulator from Ice Age because it's the one they call the “Bone Crank.” He won't play with the Fallen Empires cards with the stinky alternate art. Vorthos is the guy who started collecting cards because he liked the art, then read some Magic novels, then saw his favorite characters appear on some cards and decided to learn to play. There are a lot of Vorthoses out there. Some collect cards, but might not even play. Some have a hoot getting artists to sign their cards. Some don't read flavor text 'til after they finish the novel in case it might spoil the ending. Vorthos understands that Magic can be fun even when you're not playing the game."

So I decided that the best way to start this new set of articles off would be to bring you something familiar. We're going to time travel all the way back to my first article (second post). It's all the time travel you love without the plot inconveniences and time paradoxes. Before we jump into quotation marks, let me introduce the cast of the Mirari storyline to make things easier to understand.


A gentle giant with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (diagnosed by me).

The Mirari/Memnarch
The Mirari can be seen at the top of the post. It later gets turned into a sentient being by Karn and then left behind because Karn is full of brilliant ideas like abandoning children.

Because it makes perfect sense for a sword infused with Mirari's power to not slice someone in half but combine all surrounding females into one psuedo-god. Three ladies combine to form this Voltron. See below for added details.

Now it's time for a flashback from the earlier article I mentioned (You can put your time traveling goggles on at home folks but I will warn that they do nothing):

"And now it's story time! So let's all squat down in a circle. The story of Mirrodin (and bonus story of the entire Odyssey and Onslaught saga in a nutshell) in under five minutes:
Karn was created long ago by Urza as a probe. We're skipping the probe jokes by the way. After the events of the early storyline of Magic, Karn went off somewhere in the multiverse, created Argentum (no relation to Argentina), and probably said, "it was good." He created probes to monitor Dominaria (his homeworld and the one where all original events in the storyline took place) but one of the probes became corrupted and turned into the Mirari. These things happen. We all know how that turned out... wait... you don't? It turned out to be a giant shit pile! The Mirari twisted minds into desiring its abilities to make wishes a reality. An entire war was started and eventually led to the creation and death of a false god named Karona.

After Karona was killed, Karn swept in to grab her, said excuse me, and planeswalked to Argentum. He removed the Mirari sword (yeah... forgot to mention it got turned into a sword later) from her chest and she split apart into the original beings that formed her (Akroma Angel of Wrath, Phage the Untouchable, and technically Zagorka but no one cares about her). After Akroma and Zagorka's bodies turned to fairy dust, Phage turned back into her original self: Jeska (Kamahl's sister. He was kind of the main character of the other storyline but he's a Mary Sue and should be forgotten). With all of this identity swapping it's like we're in a Shakespeare play made by a fanfiction writer.

So Karn turned the Mirari into the golem Memnarch because he can. Does the guy need another reason? I'm sure only good things can come of this. Memnarch held the title of most cheerful fellow on Argentum (awarded by me). Because Karn is such a good parent, he took Jeska and figured it would be a great idea to just planeswalk around a bit with her and left Memnarch all to his lonesome. Well shit, we all know how abandoned children turn out. Those good things I was talking about? Yeah... I was wrong. It didn't take long before Memnarch wanted to be a Planeswalker just like daddy. He was corrupted by a strange black substance (Phyrexian Oil or the Venom symbiote? You decide.) and devised a plan to create a spark to become a Planeswalker.

You see, Memnarch wasn't a real boy. He couldn't create a spark. A living being had to make one. So Memnarch turned Argentum into Mirrodin, the ultimate child labor sweatshop. He stole some kids from other planes (thanks to some child grabbing classes he took) and they populated the world. Different races chilled there for a bit and eventually melded with machine. It was honestly kind of itchy to have metal plates integrated with the skin and there were all kinds of rashes we don't need to discuss. Skipping ahead, Glissa gets a Planeswalker spark. How nifty is that? Oh wait... it's not nifty at all! The planet sucks it up and spits it out to Memnarch as he planned. But wait! He couldn't get the spark because he only knew how to grab children. So the spark randomly went to one of the only other important named characters in the novel instead: Slobad. He was so lucky to be a main character.

Skipping ahead even further, Memnarch gets deactivated and Karn shows up out of plot convenience to bitch slap his deactivated son that he took such great care of. Best parent of the year (awarded by me). So after Karn learned from his mistakes, he immediately forgot what he had learned and decided it would be a brilliant idea to leave the Mirari to be guarded by Glissa, Slobad, and Geth. Geth is the severed head of a lich by the way so I'm sure he would make the best out of the three to guard the blasted thing. Oh and Slobad gave up his Planeswalker spark to revive those who were killed on Mirrodin and have them all returned to their respective homeworlds. He's a swell guy.

So wait... Karn left again? I didn't think golems could have ADHD. The guy's got the attention span of a gnat. So that was the end of the Mirari saga. Time for potty breaks."

It's only fitting that we take a look at the Mirari storyline (Odyssey, Onslaught, and Mirrodin blocks) to get ourselves up to speed for Scars of Mirrodin coming out in October. If you want any additional information on the Mirari storyline then just ask below in the comments and I'll be glad to attempt an answer.

Which Magic the Gathering storyline would you like me to abridge for the next Vorthos Trainwreck?
A) Kamigawa
B) Ravnica
C) Time Spiral
D) Lorwyn/Shadowmoor
E) Alara

Vote in the comments below! If you don't have a google account (google, gmail, youtube, whatever) then grab one and sign in to follow and comment immediately!

This is Kylak signing out and tasting a lot of deja vu.


  1. Wow, I now understand much better what happened and best abridge ever :D. Definitely fun to read and I really enjoyed it!

    I vote for Kamigawa, but that's because I'm biased and need to support my Japanese heritage.

  2. Alright, so the last month are so has been full of magic for me. I've been pumped to go to this prerelease and I've been looking at the spoiler every day since Wurmcoil Engine was first revealed. Both Matt(My girlfriend's brother) and Dustin(A guy I met last year before graduating from school) have been playing with me every day during the week, when school let out(Yes, I walked/got a ride to the high school I just graduated from every day to play a cardgame. I really need a job/life.) So naturally, I'm sharing the card spoilers with them as much as I can. When the two planeswalkers were released I neglected to mention Elspeth because, while she's good, I feel she's best when used with her previous form. I told him about another blue/white planeswalker and Dustin asked me what the name was. He almost jumped out of his skin when I told him it was Vensar because apparently the reason he got into Magic was from reading the Time Spiral novels.

    Now I'm borrowing those novels from him and I've decided, because of his enthusiasm towards the card, if I pull it in the prerelease I'm going to give(trade) it to him because I'm just that nice of a guy.

    About the spoilers... they've made me even more excited. I feel that Infect is going to be cheap. Poison counters... bah... it just seems cheap but I may be paranoid because of how broken the first Mirrodin set was. Mat's decided to be Phyrexia because he already likes black and Infect/proliferate drew his attention right away. I've chose that I'm going to Mirran because... I'm cool like that. Now, to be fair, while I see Infect as cheap, I think metalcraft is almost cheaper. 3 artifacts to activate the effect. How hard is it to get only 3 artifacts? you can pull that on turn one if you've got 4 Mox Opals(LOL RIGHT.) and 4 Memnites in your deck. Not to mention 1 mana artifacts. I mean. 4 mana for an 8/8 with trample? 2 mana for a 4/4? That's pretty intense and all it needs to work is 3 artifacts.

    Maybe I'm exagerating the broken-ness and maybe my lack of attention to post-kamigawa sets is also making it look cheaper than it is. XD But either way. I'm excited. Oh and my vote, it goes to Alara. I have no intention of reading those books but I'm really interested in the whole Shards thing and what the story is on that.

  3. I forgot to copy that before posting and it gave me an error message. I almost cried. XD

  4. @ Raii
    Thank you. I'm glad this helped.

    @ Opee
    I've always been crazy about checking the spoilers every day in the forums so I understand how that goes.

    The new Elspeth is pretty awesome all on her own. All three abilities have synergy with each other and she's able to protect herself rather well with waves of tokens. The fact that you can wipe the board clean the second turn that she's on the field is pretty spiffy as well. I'm rather curious what you meant by her working with her previous self. While I see the interaction, you can't have two Elspeths on the field at the same time.

    I'm excited for Venser's return and yet perplexed. He doesn't look like he's aged at all.

    It's too bad your friend won't be able to play a full Phyrexia deck just yet. Only 20% of the set is going to have the Phyrexian watermark.

    @ Everyone
    So that's one vote for Kamigawa and one vote for Alara.

  5. I realize they can't be on the field at the same time and I forgot that the new Elspeth's ability protected the tokens she created. Every time the first Elspeth was put on the field, in games I've played anyway, her ultimate was used, sending her to your graveyard. Then the second could be played and her ability could be used the following turn, wiping out all of your opponents non-token creatures, artifacts, enchantments and planeswalkers without destroying yours.

    20% eh? That explains the spoilers then. So many with the Mirran watermark and so little with Phyrexia. Probably the next set then.

  6. Isn't it wonderful and yet horrible simultaneously? I'm not looking forward to playing against her.

    The % will increase in each set to demonstrate the spreading infection of the Phyrexians. Your friend should be very pleased once the third set comes out.

  7. XD Yay for Koth! I hope I get my hands on him! He's awesome and red. And I've always felt myself drawn to red for some reason(Maybe because it's just my favorite color?)... Three planeswalkers in one set? Now... I'm not familiar with planeswalkers and all but do they usually print 3 in a set?

  8. Koth is astounding. Best of luck on grabbing some copies.

    The short answer to your question: Yes

    The longer answer: The first set of every block has a higher quantity of cards. Due to this, there is a greater chance of there being more Planeswalkers in that first set. In Lorwyn, there were five. In Shards of Alara, there were four. In Zendikar, there were three.

  9. Random note: I'm pretty much done with my first deck and can't wait to test it out :D.

    And I just read your article again and man, gets better the more times I read it.

  10. Ah okay. That makes sense. I knew that the first set in a block has more cards, usually about double as many as the two following sets hovering about 300 cards for the first set and then 150 in each of the following two, though rarely exactly that. But I didn't know about the distribution of planeswalkers. If they weren't all mythic rare I'd feel like releasing 3 in one set is a lot. XD

  11. @ Raii
    First deck! Time for me to go into a nostalgic coma.

    I also want to thank you very much so for the compliment.

    @ Opee
    Sorry about that. I tend to give way more information than is necessary (things people already know). It's kind of funny how giddy I can get about the new Planeswalkers in a set even if I don't own any of them.

    @ Everyone
    My bud Jim wanted to add Kamigawa and Ravnica for his votes. I'm tempted to poke all of the MTG players around here to finally come out of their shells and post a vote here as well.



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