For every Vorthos out there. Magic the Gathering stories abridged.
What is a Vorthos you may ask? I decided to quote Matt Cavotta himself:
"Vorthos (His name is actually John, but since there's already a “Johnny” in the mix, he opted to go with the name of his 16th level half-elven ranger/warmage.) is the guy who never puts more than one of any legend card in his deck because “it just wouldn't be right.” He's the guy who will only play with the Icy Manipulator from Ice Age because it's the one they call the “Bone Crank.” He won't play with the Fallen Empires cards with the stinky alternate art. Vorthos is the guy who started collecting cards because he liked the art, then read some Magic novels, then saw his favorite characters appear on some cards and decided to learn to play. There are a lot of Vorthoses out there. Some collect cards, but might not even play. Some have a hoot getting artists to sign their cards. Some don't read flavor text 'til after they finish the novel in case it might spoil the ending. Vorthos understands that Magic can be fun even when you're not playing the game."
So I decided that the best way to start this new set of articles off would be to bring you something familiar. We're going to time travel all the way back to my first article (second post). It's all the time travel you love without the plot inconveniences and time paradoxes. Before we jump into quotation marks, let me introduce the cast of the Mirari storyline to make things easier to understand.
A gentle giant with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (diagnosed by me).
Now it's time for a flashback from the earlier article I mentioned (You can put your time traveling goggles on at home folks but I will warn that they do nothing):
"And now it's story time! So let's all squat down in a circle. The story of Mirrodin (and bonus story of the entire Odyssey and Onslaught saga in a nutshell) in under five minutes:
Karn was created long ago by Urza as a probe. We're skipping the probe jokes by the way. After the events of the early storyline of Magic, Karn went off somewhere in the multiverse, created Argentum (no relation to Argentina), and probably said, "it was good." He created probes to monitor Dominaria (his homeworld and the one where all original events in the storyline took place) but one of the probes became corrupted and turned into the Mirari. These things happen. We all know how that turned out... wait... you don't? It turned out to be a giant shit pile! The Mirari twisted minds into desiring its abilities to make wishes a reality. An entire war was started and eventually led to the creation and death of a false god named Karona.
After Karona was killed, Karn swept in to grab her, said excuse me, and planeswalked to Argentum. He removed the Mirari sword (yeah... forgot to mention it got turned into a sword later) from her chest and she split apart into the original beings that formed her (Akroma Angel of Wrath, Phage the Untouchable, and technically Zagorka but no one cares about her). After Akroma and Zagorka's bodies turned to fairy dust, Phage turned back into her original self: Jeska (Kamahl's sister. He was kind of the main character of the other storyline but he's a Mary Sue and should be forgotten). With all of this identity swapping it's like we're in a Shakespeare play made by a fanfiction writer.
So Karn turned the Mirari into the golem Memnarch because he can. Does the guy need another reason? I'm sure only good things can come of this. Memnarch held the title of most cheerful fellow on Argentum (awarded by me). Because Karn is such a good parent, he took Jeska and figured it would be a great idea to just planeswalk around a bit with her and left Memnarch all to his lonesome. Well shit, we all know how abandoned children turn out. Those good things I was talking about? Yeah... I was wrong. It didn't take long before Memnarch wanted to be a Planeswalker just like daddy. He was corrupted by a strange black substance (Phyrexian Oil or the Venom symbiote? You decide.) and devised a plan to create a spark to become a Planeswalker.
You see, Memnarch wasn't a real boy. He couldn't create a spark. A living being had to make one. So Memnarch turned Argentum into Mirrodin, the ultimate child labor sweatshop. He stole some kids from other planes (thanks to some child grabbing classes he took) and they populated the world. Different races chilled there for a bit and eventually melded with machine. It was honestly kind of itchy to have metal plates integrated with the skin and there were all kinds of rashes we don't need to discuss. Skipping ahead, Glissa gets a Planeswalker spark. How nifty is that? Oh wait... it's not nifty at all! The planet sucks it up and spits it out to Memnarch as he planned. But wait! He couldn't get the spark because he only knew how to grab children. So the spark randomly went to one of the only other important named characters in the novel instead: Slobad. He was so lucky to be a main character.
Skipping ahead even further, Memnarch gets deactivated and Karn shows up out of plot convenience to bitch slap his deactivated son that he took such great care of. Best parent of the year (awarded by me). So after Karn learned from his mistakes, he immediately forgot what he had learned and decided it would be a brilliant idea to leave the Mirari to be guarded by Glissa, Slobad, and Geth. Geth is the severed head of a lich by the way so I'm sure he would make the best out of the three to guard the blasted thing. Oh and Slobad gave up his Planeswalker spark to revive those who were killed on Mirrodin and have them all returned to their respective homeworlds. He's a swell guy.
So wait... Karn left again? I didn't think golems could have ADHD. The guy's got the attention span of a gnat. So that was the end of the Mirari saga. Time for potty breaks."
It's only fitting that we take a look at the Mirari storyline (Odyssey, Onslaught, and Mirrodin blocks) to get ourselves up to speed for Scars of Mirrodin coming out in October. If you want any additional information on the Mirari storyline then just ask below in the comments and I'll be glad to attempt an answer.
Which Magic the Gathering storyline would you like me to abridge for the next Vorthos Trainwreck?
C) Time Spiral
Vote in the comments below! If you don't have a google account (google, gmail, youtube, whatever) then grab one and sign in to follow and comment immediately!
This is Kylak signing out and tasting a lot of deja vu.